I have come to a new season in life. I admit that I came into it kicking and screaming. I turn 35 this month and for whatever reason that has been harder than turning 30. I've been saying in my head, God I am just not ready. I am just not ready to be a year older. I am just not ready to leave 34 behind. I. Am. Just. Not. Ready.
I was 34 when I had Madison. I found out that I had a uterine rupture and shouldn't have anymore children. I remember telling God I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to let that part of me go. But I remember praying to the Lord and saying, God I'm just not ready but if it's your will please let me be okay with it. Please let my heart not ache for another child. Then Madison turned a year old. And I wasn't ready. But that day came and went and it got easier.
I feel like there has been so much recently that I have been saying God, I am just not ready. It's so hard being a mother of so many different ages. I love watching them get older but my heart is just not ready to let them be older. My heart is not ready to let go. Your kids go from mommy hold me to mommy let go. We build them up to get ready for life and they spread their wings and then.....they go off into the world.
Gabriel turned 17 in May. He's been thinking of which college to attend, he just got hired at a job and got his license all in the span of a week. I am extremely proud of him. I admit I was kicking and screaming about this too. My oldest. My baby; was getting older. I am happy to say that he wants to be a game developer.
And he is pretty amazing when it comes to building and fixing computers. God gives us all gifts and Gabe has definitely found his in computers. Just like his dad.
I admit I waited for this moment when Gabriel was older. I wish I could turn the clock back to when he was three and would carry his tebby air (teddy bear) around. Your kids don't see all the tears you cry and the prayers that you pray for them.
I know my life will not get any easier as I hit milestones with all the kids. I know I'll be saying God, I am just not ready quite a bit in the next few years.
And I pray through those times that the Lord will comfort me. I know I am not alone and God will carry me through those trying times.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
