I remember being in the hospital staring at this tiny perfect face that my husband and I created. His tiny features that looked nothing like me but his dad. As they wheeled me out of the hospital, 17 years old, terrified and not sure what to do I sat there fighting every tear. I got in the car and went home. As I walked in the house and Brian left I cried. I was uncontrollable and I couldn't stop. I hid it from Brian. I hid it from my Mom and family members. I HAD to do this. No one else was going to take care of this baby but me and I had to figure this out. I had no help and no resources. As a 17 year old girl this was terrifying. After bringing Gabriel home I almost hemorrhaged to death. Anemic and weak I think it had a toll on my overall physical and emotional well being. I didn't realize then that I had PPD, Postpartum Depression. I had never heard of that. Baby blues sure but not PPD. I never got treated. I was too scared that not only were people judging me on being a teen mom but then they would just say that I brought this on myself. I often wonder if it would have made a difference.
When I had Zachariah his birth threw me into a plethora of anxiety and depression. He almost died from NAIT (neonatal alloimmune thrombocytopenia). NAIT is a rare platelet disorder. My baby came out bruised and battered because my body was attacking him. My body was killing him. We were not compatible. I couldn't believe that something like that could happen. The thought of loosing him consumed me. He spent 7 days in the NICU with his platelets going up or down and we didn't know if he would live. After an intense few days in the NICU I finally came home with this baby that I couldn't stop staring at because I thought he would stop breathing and die. I often lay by his bed drifting in and out of sleep worrying that I would loose him. All I wanted to do was sleep. Again, I was too afraid to say anything.
With each child and miscarriage I had a difficult time with PPD. It's a demon. It robbed me. It takes everything away. You want to be like those other mothers that are so happy and that makes you sad. Because you feel like you're a bad mother because you're not happy. Maybe if I had more support my healing would have been different but being afraid of not being perfect or not having it all together was why I never shared.
I can't say how thankful I am to my husband who supported me in the best way a husband can. But though he loved me through it, he didn't know how to help me heal. I thought sweeping it all under the rug would work. But like all demons they plague you. They come back with a vengeance. I thought if I could get out of bed then that was a big deal. People always would laugh at the fact that I got up at noon or later but what no one knew was that if I could have, I would of stayed in bed for a year. Laying there trying to find solace in my bed. I was sad and I was depressed. The fact I got out of bed was a huge milestone. I didn't want to do life. I didn't want to adult. Sometimes it was all I could do to get a shower and put makeup on and look "all together."
Thankfully by the grace of God I always took care of the babies. They were never neglected and I loved holding them close. I was so sad I thought I am never getting out of this hole. It's dark and I can't pull myself out. It was like drowning. You know you need to fight to not drown but you lay still and float away. As you slide further and further into the darkness you can't see the sun anymore. And then it's dark. Everyone experiences PPD differently. I had PPD with anxiety. My thoughts would race and not be rational. I would be so tired that I couldn't get out of bed yet not sleep a wink but lay there with my thoughts.
Everyday I was going through the motions and being silent. Finally about 8 months after I had Maddie I went to my OB. I broke down crying. I told her of the uterine rupture and how I was having nightmares of Madison dying or myself and how I wasn't sleeping and I didn't know what to do. I said all I do is sleep because I don't know how to get rid of the emotional pain. Mind you this type of "sleep" was you are asleep but you can hear everything around you. It wasn't restful.
She looked down at the floor and in my head I am looking at her intently like ok she gets it! And she said, "Well we can get you some antidepressants. Are you going to hurt the baby?" I felt my heart sink. I put my head down and said no quietly. As I started crying she asked why I was crying. I said I am not going to hurt her. I am terrified something will happen TO her. Don't you get what I'm saying? I stare at her at night to see if she's breathing and then in my mind I role play what would happen if I lost her and that kills me inside and I can't handle this! I. CAN'T! And the doctor says, "Where would you like the prescription sent? This is out of my league." I hung my head. She asked again. I couldn't speak. Someone who is suppose to help me with my well being just watched me as I poured my heart out and did NOTHING to validate what I was feeling. She didn't say I'm sorry. She didn't say she understood. So in defeat I went home and went back to bed. Defeated.
Ask yourself this question. What's wrong with our society? Medical professionals?
It is estimated that 10-15% of moms experience PPD. But I think that number is much higher due to the fact that our moms are scared to come forward.
We need MORE for our moms.
More resources and outpouring of love for them to get the help that they need and not a ton of medications.
Maybe you letting her get some sleep or a shower is what she needs to feel human again.
Maybe she needs a meal.
Maybe you validating her feelings is all she needs.
But maybe. Just maybe. All she needs is a hug.
Maybe as society we need to come together to support moms. Those meal trains are great but what about naps? Maybe making a nap schedule for mom to get adequate sleep along with a meal would be ideal.
I honestly think it's been sharing my story that has helped me to heal. With my job and all my moms who deal with PPD I share my story. And it is emotional and raw. Why? Because I want them to know they are not alone. I felt that way and I can relate and validate what she's feeling.
Part of healing for me was becoming a birth and postpartum Doula. Helping women who were going through the very same things I did helped. Part of healing was knowing that my job was important. Part of healing came with understanding that nothing was wrong with me. After almost 18 years of PPD I feel free! And this has been recent. I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep underwater and fought like hell to get out. This time I was determined! I was awake!
Thank you for reading my story. If you have PPD and you are reading this, I am sorry. I know your pain. And I am praying for you!
If someone you know is battling with PPD get help. GET HELP!
Here are some signs and symptoms of PPD:
- Lack of interest in your baby
- Negative feelings towards your baby
- Worrying about hurting your baby
- Lack of concern for yourself
- Loss of pleasure
- Lack of energy and motivation
- Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
- Changes in appetite or weight
- Sleeping more or less than usual
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
I have included a list of resources. One resource is the company I work for ~ St. Louis Doulas.
At St. Louis Doulas we offer Birth and Postpartum Services. Counseling Services. Lactation Services. Support Groups. Placenta Encapsulation. Belly Binding. Aromatherapy and Herbals. And much more.
http://www.stlouisdoulas.com/
Jamie Bodily: St. Louis Doulas ~ has a Masters’ degrees in Human Services and Mental Health Counseling. She is currently a Licensed Professional Counselor.
"I provide counseling services focused on helping women through their reproductive years. Women who have experienced anxiety and depression are at an increased risk for mood disorders during pregnancy. By providing an opportunity for education, proactive strategies, and continuing support, these risks can be reduced. I believe that even with all of our efforts to educate, support, and sustain women through this period of time, some experience traumatic births."
http://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/
http://www.postpartum.net/locations/missouri/
https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?city=Saint+Louis&state=MO&spec=578
http://www.apa.org/pi/women/resources/reports/postpartum-depression.aspx
If you would like more information on NAIT contact naitbabies.org
a simple blood test for mom and dad can detect this fatal condition.
And moms, don't quit! I am rooting for you and I am here for you!
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