A Doula

I was 17 when I walked into a childbirth class. Little did I know that this would change me forever. Not just becoming a mother at the young age of 17 but change my whole perspective on life. I wanted to be a music teacher. I was in band for years. It was the only thing I had a passion for. And then I had Gabe..... I had always had the fantasy of having children. But I only wanted one and I wanted a boy. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have 8 kids. Now that I am becoming a doula I see in my own births where a doula would have been beneficial. I wish that I would have had the education, physical and emotional support that a doula can give. I remember walking in the childbirth class. The women were quite older but they were all very polite to me. I remember sitting down and getting ready to watch a video on birth. I was scared to death. I didn't know a thing about childbirth. But as I sat there, Brian next to me, I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. And then a few months later Gabriel was here and I was astounded! 36 hours of labor and he was finally here and I was exhausted. I wish I could tell the 17 year old me that I had choices. I had the choice to choose natural birth, an epidural, an unmedicated birth, a water birth, whatever but I felt like because I was so young the choice was taken away. From this day on I knew I wanted to be a doula/midwife. I knew I wanted to help women in their choices for their perfect birth. I want women to be empowered by their birth no matter what age they are and know that they have choices! If you are reading this and you are not sure about what a Doula does let me clarify a few things. 

What is a doula? 

The word doula  is a Greek word meaning women's servant. Women have been serving others in childbirth for many centuries and have proven that support from another woman has a positive impact on the labor process. A doula is a professional trained in childbirth who provides emotional, physical, and educational support to a mother who is expecting, is experiencing labor, or has recently given birth. The doula's purpose is to help women have a safe, memorable, and empowering birthing experience. So if you are deciding if you would like a doula here are some questions to ask a potential doula:

• What training have they had?
• What services do you provide?
• What are your fees?
• Are you available for my due date?
• What made you decide to become a doula?
• Would you be available to meet before to go over a birth plan?

And you can check out my facebook page for more information: Heavenly Touch Doula and my website (we are currently working on) heavenlytouchdoula.com 

God I'm Just Not Ready

I have come to a new season in life. I admit that I came into it kicking and screaming. I turn 35 this month and for whatever reason that has been harder than turning 30. I've been saying in my head, God I am just not ready. I am just not ready to be a year older. I am just not ready to leave 34 behind. I. Am. Just. Not. Ready.

I was 34 when I had Madison. I found out that I had a uterine rupture and shouldn't have anymore children. I remember telling God I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to let that part of me go. But I remember praying to the Lord and saying, God I'm just not ready but if it's your will please let me be okay with it. Please let my heart not ache for another child. Then Madison turned a year old. And I wasn't ready. But that day came and went and it got easier. 

I feel like there has been so much recently that I have been saying God, I am just not ready. It's so hard being a mother of so many different ages. I love watching them get older but my heart is just not ready to let them be older. My heart is not ready to let go. Your kids go from mommy hold me to mommy let go. We build them up to get ready for life and they spread their wings and then.....they go off into the world. 

Gabriel turned 17 in May. He's been thinking of which college to attend, he just got hired at a job and got his license all in the span of a week. I am extremely proud of him. I admit I was kicking and screaming about this too. My oldest. My baby; was getting older. I am happy to say that he wants to be a game developer. 

And he is pretty amazing when it comes to building and fixing computers. God gives us all gifts and Gabe has definitely found his in computers. Just like his dad. 

I admit I waited for this moment when Gabriel was older.  I wish I could turn the clock back to when he was three and would carry his tebby air (teddy bear) around. Your kids don't see all the tears you cry and the prayers that you pray for them.

I know my life will not get any easier as I hit milestones with all the kids. I know I'll be saying God, I am just not ready quite a bit in the next few years.

And I pray through those times that the Lord will comfort me. I know I am not alone and God will carry me through those trying times. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Sit Down And Play With Me Mommy

Today was a I slept in till 9 and woke up to half eaten cookies on the living room floor, toothpicks strewn all through the house and the boys rolling out my yoga mat to use as a train track.
"Sit down and play with me Mommy!" Jackson says in the sweetest voice. He looked up at me with his big eyes. And let me tell you, it is really hard to be mad at a sweet little boy asking you to play with him. I didn't hear them running through the house making mischief this morning and I said "I don't have time right now Jackson. I have to clean up the mess." I didn't realize how detrimental this can be to a 3 year old. You are their world and he asked me into his world for just a moment and I turned it down.

I left the room and stood there for a moment asking myself what I just did.

As funny as it sounds I forgot how to play with my kids.

I forgot how to sit and have fun.

I forgot that for a moment I needed to focus on the most important thing in my life.

As I grabbed a train I sat down next to Jackson and Titus they start telling me about the trains and their colors.
Titus can tell you the name of every Thomas the train and color. He has a fantastic memory. Titus was telling me which train I was holding. As I studied the train I started to think about my to-do list. Oh is my to-do list never ending. Things started running through my mind of what I had to do.

But it will be there tomorrow.

Jackson and Titus will only be little for a short time. And when they get older I will long for those days that they asked me to sit down and play with them.

So I decided that the laundry can wait yet another day. The busyness of my life can be put on hold for yet another day.

Mommies of small children let me tell you to enjoy them. ENJOY THEM! Gabe and Carter are 17 and 14. I remember when they were little. It seems like a dream sometimes. I say in my mind I wish I did this or that with them. But now they are older and I can't go back. Nothing last forever.

I know you are tired.

I know your time is valuable.

But I also know you love your kids and would do anything for them.

So sit down mommy! And play with them!

Your Opinion Doesn't Always Matter

It always seems like no matter where you go someone has an opinion. About everything. It's not healthy trying to please everyone. You will drain all the life out of yourself if you continue to do so. Constant approval-seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself. I have never fallen into the trap of what others thought of me. Honestly, I just don't care.

However, recently it has come to my attention that there are people who think that even though my children are here on this earth I shouldn't have had that many. Sometimes I want to ask "So which one would you get rid of?" It seems though people have an opinion all of the time and they feel that they can share their opinion with me.

I will start by saying I feel my family is wonderful and beautiful just the way God created them! It was a conviction of ours to have as many as the Lord would give us. Say what you want but we felt this was the right decision. I will reiterate that Brian and I felt like it was the right decision for our family and we wanted to let God into every aspect of our lives.

So in my children's defense I'd like to answer a few questions I get. I often have relatives that ask these rude questions. Even if you are a relative of someone that has a big family, it is NOT ok to ask these questions! Have some respect and couth please.

• I am not catholic or mormon! I am Christian seeking to do the Lord's will.

• Are you done? I am not sure if I am done however I feel it's rude to ask that question especially because I had a uterine rupture and am pretty sure I am done. It brings an aching to my heart when people ask me this question but because most people have no apathy and they couldn't care less that they are breaking my heart every time it's asked. 

• Are you crazy?? Yes have you met me!

• Do you know what causes that? Yes I know what causes children because that is called sex and it's what God gave to married couples to enjoy. So yes I know what causes that! And hey, when you are really good at something you might as well keep doing it ;)

• Do they all have the same father? I know it's surprising to you when I say yes that they are all by the same man and I don't have any "baby daddies" but I assure you they all look like their dad and nothing like me. 

• No I am NOT on welfare. My husband works diligently to provide a wonderful life for us. And he has done an amazing job at making us comfortable. 

• Eight!?! You really have eight?? No I'm lying cause it's fun!

• Even though I have eight doesn't give you the right to call me "Octomom" Because genius the oldest is 17 and the youngest is 13 months. So they weren't all born the same time.

• How do you feed all of them? I think the answer you are looking for is "Food!"

So yes I know you have opinions and want to share. Thank you for having an interest in us! 

So yes my house is chaotic and loud but I am blessed beyond measure with the most amazing husband and the most amazing kids. I wouldn't have it any other way. My life is full of kisses, hugs, laughter and so much love. It's not roses all the time. We have our ups and downs just like any family. I know you are curious about us and our life and how we do things but have some respect! Love us from a distance :)

We Should Be Talking About Miscarriage

Miscarriages are difficult. Especially when people think you shouldn’t talk about it. It is such a magical moment when you find out you are pregnant. A thrill! Their little life flashes before your eyes. What color of eyes. What color of hair. Their smile. Is it a boy or girl. Picking a name. Birth. Holding the baby for the first time. I can remember very clearly the first time I held my children. They are by far etched in my memory forever. But then it happens. A miscarriage. All that hope turns into hopeless despair. Will I have another one? Can I have another one? Do I want to go through this again? 

I have had 5 miscarriages and only a few people know that. Besides my husband for whatever reason I chose to do it alone. And that is a terrible place to be. Alone. 

This last miscarriage was in February 2013, right before I got pregnant with Madison. 

It was by far the worst one as I was about to hit my second trimester but the baby stopped growing earlier. There is nothing worse than the technician saying she can’t find the heart beat. It’s not easy going through labor but the times I did it I had a great reward. With the miscarriage I did not. It’s hard to will yourself to go through that pain when you have nothing to gain. No tiny fingers and toes to count, no eyes to look into, no tiny hand to hold your finger, no cheeks to kiss, no baby to caress. It leaves you raw of emotion. But to some people a miscarriage doesn’t matter. People would say, “Oh Casey you can always have more!” Or “Your hands are full honey. You don’t need anymore!” 

But how do they know? First off, this is my child. MY CHILD! Not a blob of tissue. I can’t have another one because there will never be one with that genetic marker and those finger prints. That baby was a person. That baby was unique in his or her own way. And how do they know I could have more? And no my hands aren't full enough and my heart is empty and hurting. Even though I didn’t see that baby doesn’t mean I didn’t love it. Doesn’t mean I didn’t dream about him or her. How he looked. Did he look like me or Brian. Probably Brian. They alway look like their daddy. How she smelled. Babies have this remarkable smell that any mother can identify and it is pure ecstasy. They say that this smell alone has the power to cure depression in some women. Studies have found that regardless of the maternal status, the smell of newborns triggered dopamine release in the reward pathways of the brain - the same “pleasure pathways” affected by cocaine, food, and other stimuli that evoke reward response. I’ll take the baby drug any day!

But what about grief? A lot of people think you shouldn’t mourn your miscarriage. Why? Does the child not deserve it? Of course it does! It was your baby.

I knew a lady who I went to church with at Grace Family Baptist in Spring, Texas. It was my first miscarriage. It didn’t know how I was feeling or what I should be feeling. I knew I was numb. She came over and talked to me about grieving. She told me to mourn the baby and to properly grieve how I felt was necessary. She said to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling instead of staying numb. The day after that women were bring me meals and showing me so much love. I remember that night I started to cry. And cry. I don’t know if she knows how much her kind words have helped me.

With number ten I remember very clearly after my D&C that the baby was indeed gone. And the pain began. A pain unlike anything I have felt. This life was inside me. A connection only I knew. And I cried. I cried at the loss. But then I thought that the spirit has never left me. That child’s spirit will always be with me. The hopes and dreams that I had for the baby may be gone but a part of him or her will always live inside me. I cried out to the Lord, “Lord why does this hurt so much? Please take it away." I am always reminded that there should be 13 instead of 8. There are missing pieces to my heart. I remember saying "I need peace and comfort Lord. Please comfort me."And in that moment I felt a peace unlike anything I have ever felt before. And I laid there. Trembling. Sobbing. The song “You’re Beautiful" by Phil Wickham came into my mind. I got out my phone and started playing it on You tube. The words are exhilarating. They are so beautiful. My favorite verse is, “When we arrive at eternity’s shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more, We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we’ll sing…You’re beautiful!” I played that song as I cried myself to sleep and then something miraculous happened. I was ok. I. Was. ok. And then, my sadness turned into anger and then my anger turned in to accepting what had happened. Only then was I able to pick myself up and start doing this thing called life again.  There is a part of me that will never be ok. That will never recover. If you have suffered a miscarriage then I am sure you know what I am talking about. It's ok to talk about your baby. Shout it from the rooftop!!! Don't forget about your baby and remember that life that once filled your womb is a beautiful child of God. And even in the hardest times. When we are in our valley. Praise the Lord. Because He WILL bring you through it. 

Psalm 23:4 He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.

This Angry Mama

I have to lay it all out here. I struggle with anger. I yell, I'm impatient and agitated. I always get, "You must be so patient to homeschool." Nooooo!!! I am not! But it happens to the best of us. Right? It seems like stepping on a lego with your barefoot can trigger me to just go off. Anger is something that I have dealt with on and off for years. Asking God to forgive me and to give me grace towards my kids like He gives grace to me. But this is my cross I have to bear.

My emotions and exhaustion get the better of me and then the anger rears it's ugly head. One day at the lovely Costco, my oldest boy and my oldest girl went at it. "Mom will you tell Faith blah blah" and "Mom will you tell Gabe he can't blah blah blah." That's the moment I tune out because they want me to be the referee that I can't be. How can I take sides? I love them both. I usually end up telling them they have to work it out themselves. Somewhere Faith realized she was the oldest girl and thought she was in charge and Gabe knew he was the oldest and that's when the head butting began. As I am trying to solve this argument Titus got the better of me. He was in the cart ~ out of the cart ~ on the side of the cart ~  under the cart ~ and when I put him in his seat and told him to stay I said, "Titus if you don't stop I'm gonna" and as I looked down into his little warm eyes staring back at me my heart melt. Here is this kid having the time of his life hanging on the cart. I don't want to steal his fun but my kids know there is a certain way that I feel they need to behave. As I looked into these sweet blue eyes of Titus I realized that the anger was a manifestation of my will and not God's will. I realized that I should not lash out in anger simply because I am exhausted.

The problem here is that many moms are afraid or even ashamed to admit that they are an angry mom. But why? I guess because we want all of those mom's at the mommy group thinking we have everything together. But what if we were to share our struggles. I think we would find that other mommies are struggling too and are in need of emotional support. I could just see myself going to a group and saying, " Hi! My name is Casey and I am an Angryaholic." How do you think that would go over? I'd probably get some looks like I was crazy! Lol! I am ok with that but I think that we would find that other moms are struggling too and it took one person to say, "Hey, I am a sinner and so aren't you! Let's pray for each other. Let's help one another."

I think by hiding our bitterness we hold those emotions in and not facing them we need to take a look inside and realize that we are selfish beings at heart. Our anger is a heart issue that needs to continually be brought at the feet of Jesus. 

Then the rest of my day is filled in thought and prayer over the issues of the day. Like me I know that kids will have good days and bad days. I can't control my kids actions but I can control my reaction. 

I think the worst for me is at night I feel so guilty for yelling at them. When I go and tuck them in I see the faces of angels. Sweet. Gentle. Forgiving. I ask for forgiveness. From them. Jackson, Titus and Zach will pile on me with a big hug and say, "It's ok mommy. Tomorrow is a new day!" I used to say that a lot. It's true though. Tomorrow is always another day to choose to make things better.

James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

  

I hope you have a blessed evening and if you have any issues like mine I pray that you will have the courage to speak out about it.

The Tired Mama

It seems like on a day to day basis I am running myself thin. Motherhood comes with so many advantages. The only disadvantage is we give up on ourselves. I feel like some nights I am so tired I am throwing myself into the arms of Jesus begging for rest. Even though I am so fulfilled in my role as a mother I struggle with being worn out and tired. I'm always pushing myself. Wishing I could have just 5 more minutes of sleep. Wondering if I'm doing a good job. Schooling. Cleaning. Dealing with whose turn it is to build a lego house. It can be tiring. Us mothers forget to take care of ourselves.
And we do this because we love a little person so much more than ourselves that we don't take the time to rejuvenate.

Last month my sweet husband surprised me with a small getaway for our 15th anniversary. It was great to come together as a couple and to solely focus on our marriage. It was good for me to stop being mom for a moment.

God hold's motherhood in high regard. We mothers have a high calling and our actions are so important in the raising and shaping of our children. It's a bit intimidating. Sometimes I can't believe that God entrusts me with these little people.  I think that being a Mom just simply means being tired. All. The. Time.

So what to do when your are worn out?

I call upon my Heavenly Father for help. I throw myself at His feet asking for strength for another day. And through asking Jesus for help I see His grace and mercy. I don't know what my day will hold, but God does. He knows that I will fail and I will need help. This is where I will find rest in the arms of Christ.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:24

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; It is who I say to you, "Fear Not, It is I the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13

Count Your Blessings

On August 9th Madison turned one! What a year this has been!

January 2015. Ah, a new year. What wonders a new year holds. I found out I was pregnant with #8. I was so excited but so scared. I had a miscarriage in February of 2014 and it left me raw with emotions. Thankfully with the Lords grace I was able to be pregnant again. Things were going well. Even though I have uterinedydelphus, MTHFR and NAIT (Neonatal Alloimmune Thrombocytopenia) things were going pretty well with the pregnancy. I found out in March that we were having a girl. The family was so excited after a streak of boys. We were excited for bows and dresses!

In early April around 20 + weeks I started my weekly IVIg therapy in hopes that my immune system would focus on something else other than the baby. It started out a little rough. I was having the worse migraine I had ever had. It hurt to move my head off of my pillow. I could barely open my eyes. I did make it downstairs to talk with my husband but ended up getting severely sick. I called my doctor and he suspected Aseptic Meningitis. Swelling on the brain. This is a side affect of the IVIg therapy. He put me on mannitol for the rest of my pregnancy hoping that it would fix the excess fluid off my brain. I was so swollen and big from all the Iv fluids and the mannitol.

The pregnancy continued well even though the ivig was rough. Dr. Paul did a sonogram every week to check Madison's progress. Every time she checked out fine. One day, a couple weeks before i delivered I was having some issues. The doctors did a thorough exam and felt that everything was fine.

I got up early the morning of the c-section. I was 36+6. Almost full term. I got my stuff to get ready for the hospital and as we were walking out of the house I had a thought to have Brian take a picture of my belly. But we were in a hurry so I thought I'd wait til we got to the hospital. After we got there things started going fast. I really wanted that picture. Something inside me knew something was wrong. I told the nurse that I was beginning to have contractions and they didn't feel like normal contractions. They burned. She said that in a few minutes I'd be back in the OR and everything would be fine.

I got back in the OR and they prepped me. As I was laying there I started to have a ton of anxiety and I got scared. They gave me something to relax me. The next thing I know Dr. Paul tells me I shouldn't have anymore children. When he opened me up for the c-section there was a hole inside the uterus. If Madison's water would have broke she would have been free floating in my abdomen. We were lucky to be alive the doctor said. They had to do repair work but thankfully I didn't need a hysterectomy. The doctor said the incision just became weak and opened up. I had no pain until the day I came in for my c-section and started to contract. Madison has also been my first full term baby since we found out about NAIT.

Today I am so thankful for my baby girl. The Lord has been so gracious! She is a tremendous blessing! I can't imagine life without her.

My special blankie

Tonight after dinner I was getting the kids ready for bed. It's usually filled with chaos as we all try to get the rowdy little ones to calm down. As I was trying to master this mommy thing Madison managed to slip out of her diaper and pee on the floor while Titus was running around all crazy. I told Jackson to sit on the couch in my bedroom while I got the other ones a bath and I would get his in a few minutes. I got Maddie her bath and looked out on the couch. He was still sitting there waiting for me.

I walked over to the couch and sat down beside him. I brushed the hair out of his eyes and noticed he felt particularly warm. I laid him down and took his temp. Yep, a fever. His little cheeks all flushed and his sweet eyes starring at me. I got him his bath and his Olaf pjs and asked him if he wanted to sleep on the couch in my room. The kids usually camp out there when one of them isn't feeling well so I can keep an eye on them at night. He said yes and I got him my "special blankie".

This "special blankie" was crocheted by Brian's great grandmother Ruby. She passed away a few years ago. I always really liked the blanket that she made so I only let the kids use it when they aren't feeling well. When Faith was little and she would get sick she would say, "Mommy I want the special blankie tonight!"

I got the special blankie out of the drawer and I unfolded it. Jackson gave me the sweetest smile as I laid it on him. I snuggled up next to him and I said, "I love you Jackson Matthew!" He smiled, snuggled into me and closed his eyes. As I was starring at him sleeping I couldn't help but think of how beautiful this child was. The sweet innocence in his face. Soft. Truly in peace while he was sleeping. Long beautiful eyelashes. A cute round nose. Chubby cheeks. The tinniest little hands. And I thought to myself. This is what God has made. So wonderful. So perfect. So mesmerizing. I fell in love with this child in my womb. He was loved before I knew who he was. Jackson was fearfully and wonderfully made. And he is perfect to me! There is nothing more wonderful than how full your heart feels when you love a child. So much joy. Bliss. Contentment. And I am so thankful to God that He chose me to be Jackson's mommy.

Matthew 18:10 "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."

We Chose Life

Back in 1997 on the smoking hill behind Alton High I met this guy. He had the best eyes. I thought he was so cute and I just had to meet him. I was afraid to say anything to him because I was preppy and well; he was not. I told a mutual friend of ours but told her not to tell anyone. But like most teenagers they can't keep a secret and she screamed across the hill that I liked him. After the embarrassment I was glad she did because it got us talking.

I asked him out. I am a really blunt person. I also threatened a girl that liked him. Not one of my best moments but I was determined to date him. Romantic huh!?! 

After a few months of dating in August of 1997 I found out I was pregnant. I went to the doctor because I was having some issues and I wasn't feeling well. I didn't suspect I was pregnant because I still had a cycle. When the doctor came in he told my Mom and I that I was pregnant. I asked him how that could be I still had a cycle and he said that I also had uterinedydelphus  or double uterus. He said even though I was pregnant that my other uterus had a cycle which is why I didn't know I was pregnant. He then told me that I should consider and abortion because I wouldn't be able to carry to term since I had the double uterus. He said I would probably miscarry at 3 months. My Mom said that wasn't an option and we would let God handle it.

At this time I wouldn't have called myself a christian. I believed in God but didn't understand the personal relationship with him. After leaving the doctor's office I wondered to myself why abortion wasn't an option? I didn't understand what that really meant. I started thinking about abortion and about adoption. I didn't know how I would finish high school? I was only in the start of my junior year. I didn't even have my license. How was I going to go to college? Support myself and a baby? Would Brian stick around to help? All these things ran through my mind.

I remember having a talk with my Mom about what I should do. She told me that abortion was out of the question and so wasn't adoption. She said she would help and walk me to school everyday if she had to! Brian and I were scared. We were children having a child.

A few months rolled by and in January of 1998 I got sick with a terrible flu. I called my Mom and she picked me up from school. I explained to her the pains I was having and she rushed me to the doctor. I was in labor at 24 weeks. At first I was so disconnected with the pregnancy. It wasn't until I thought I was going to loose him was when it hit me that I was going to be a mommy and I loved this child. Remorse coursed through me. I couldn't believe for a minute I thought about having an abortion. I cried as they showed me a picture on the sonogram. I couldn't believe how tiny he was moving around. I asked God to save my child.

My labor finally stopped after a week and a half in the hospital. Fears from the doctor that I would loose the baby they put me on complete bedrest until I delivered. That was when I was introduced to homeschooling. The school sent out a teacher since I couldn't attend school. I loved the idea of homeschooling. Since I had a lot of time on my hands I made straight A's that year.

On May 12, 1998 I gave birth to my son Gabriel. He was 5lbs 12oz and was perfect! We were scared to death! We managed to figure it out. We had a lot of help from our family. Brian got a job and started going to college. My Mom and Brian's grandma watched Gabriel so I could finish high school. We graduated high school in 1999. Brian and I got married in 2000 and now have 8 children.

As I look back I am so thankful that the Lord had his hand in my life. I can't imagine my life without Gabriel and the pain and grief I would have if I let myself succumb to the temptations of the flesh. It's amazing that God took something so wrong and made someone so beautiful. 

Gabriel is now 17. He is an amazing person! He is outgoing and optimistic about life. I thank God everyday for him! 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 118:1 Give thanks to the Lord; for He is good. His love endures forever.

By The Grace of God

My goodness time flies by when you're having fun.....and not so much fun. Brian and I have been married 15 years. It has been tough but I wouldn't change one thing that we've had to go through. Every hard battle we've  had has made our marriage stronger. I'll put it to you straight. Marriage can be heaven on earth or hell on earth.  

We started out young. We had our first child at 16. We got married when we were 19. We had 4 children by the time we were 25. I decided after I had Alexandra that I would get my tubes tied. That was a mistake. I had PTLS (Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome). The PTLS caused severe depression along with other problems. Brian was drinking a lot and the combination was catastrophic.

We decided to split up in 2008. 

But the Lord had a plan. By the grace of God we worked things out and the Lord showed us a new path to walk down. We renewed our vows on July 26th 2008. These were not the simple I do's. We knew the gravity of marriage. We knew what it would take if we were to succeed. We knew the hurt in loosing each other. We knew that it needed to be God, each other, children. Something that I didn't understand. I put my children first when my husband should have came first. And I put all of them above God. I am thankful for the gift of repentance and the Lord's kindness and grace towards Brian and I. 

Fast forward to today and Brian and I have been married for 15 years. The last few years have been wonderful! I couldn't have asked for a more loving and attentive husband and I thank God for restoring what we almost threw away. 

Ephesians 5:24 …24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,…

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper has been playing for girls of all ages since 1985. She would sing her way into our bedrooms while we were jumping on beds signing along in a hairbrush.

Anyway, this past Saturday night I was the designated driver for my girlfriends bachelorette party. I was very happy to do this for them since I don't drink and not a lot of people have a sweet 15 passenger van. We started off at Pinot's Palette in Chesterfield, Missouri for a paint night. This is an awesome place to do parties for all different ages. I was very excited that my painting didn't look like a preschooler did it. And yes I was worried about that!

From there the girls wanted to go to a casino near by for a night of dancing. I happily obliged. We got into the casino bar and it was packed. All seats were full. We walked around a bit and we finally got a table. I told the girls that they could go dance and I would save the table for them. I am not much for partying or dancing. I do enjoy people watching so I was not at all bored sitting there. As I was sitting at the table a 50-60ish year old man approached me. He was running his finger back and forth on the table. I looked up and he said, "May I join you?" In my head I was thinking "Eww! No creepy guy! Go away!" But that would have been rude. I said, "Sure!" He was staring at my ring and said, "That ring is a ring from a man that really loves you!" I said yes it was and he jumped up and said, "Well I guess I better move on!" And he was off to do someone or something else. I just shook my head and got out my phone. A bit later the girls wanted me to dance with them. I am not much of a dancer but it was fun and the girls were having a great time.

I decided to go get a soda and at the bar I was approached by a man. He asked how I was. I said fine. Trying to not make eye contact I wanted them to hurry. It's just a darn soda. How long could that POSSIBLY take?!? He asked if I was there alone and I said no. Then he asked me if I was married and I said yes. He asked me the question I absolutely hate........Happily? he said.
Why in the world is that ok to ask? So what if a woman said she was not happy? What's going to happen? What does that imply?
I said yes I was very happily married but that didn't stop him from asking me if I wanted to hook up. HOOK UP???? What in the world????? I was beginning to feel gross. How many women had this guy asked to "hook up"? I may not be a spring chicken anymore but I do know what that implies. Feeling disgusted I told him to turn around and walk away. I watched as him and his buddies were acting like the guys from the movie A Night at the Roxbury. You? Me? Me? You?
And it wasn't long he was on to his next fling. It made me sick to think that these are the types of guys that are around. And as my girls get older will they be worse? It seems like men today want no commitment at all. It seems like they can hook up or father a child but whoa...Marriage?!? That's too much of a commitment baby!!! Truthfully I am scared for my girls. I want them to find a man who will cherish them. Not a man that comes up to them and asks them if they want to hook up! Unfortunately it is what it is and society thinks it's ok. I can't change that but I can instill values in my boys and girls.

I did, however, have a great time with this group of ladies. They were all a lot of fun and I am glad I was able to drive them around.

Here is my painting. I was pretty proud of it :D

This Messy Life

I got up this morning and took a look at the house. It looked like the house threw up! There in front of me sat a counter full of dishes from last night, the living room full of train tracks and Thomas the trains. legos and the bedrooms terrible. Speaking of bedrooms, I have 5 boys whose room smells like a barn. Why does a boys room smell like a barn you ask? Good question! I am still trying to figure that one out myself. And Febreeze is even scared to touch it! 

I sat there with my coffee and wondered how in the world does it get this messy. It's really hard for me because I am a neat freak. I like things properly in it's place and no one to touch it. Which is hard with several little ones plotting to move your things from it's tidy little spot. I know that it should be easy to "tidy up" but we seem to spend our lives "tidying up". Our family must be so inefficient to be so ineffective. It also seems to me that when we have super busy weekends the house is worse. Maybe because there are little monsters that come out of the dark and make the mess?

Anyway, I sat there today saying to myself. I can do this! I can do this! I am bigger than the mess! Maybe? I drank my coffee and got to it. I decided today would be a good day to pair down clothes and toys and I did just that. However, my son aka Cater Salad is still working on the dishes.

And just for cuteness heres Maddie Moo! Happy Wednesday!!

I Thought I Knew Everything About Babies.....

Whoa! What a tired week I have had. Just when I thought I knew everything about babies.....

Madison has filled my heart with so much love and joy. Every time I look at her my heart melts. I am so thankful for the gift of motherhood but being a mom is so challenging. You have this little person that by their cries you need to figure out what is wrong. I have asked many moms and dads this week on what to do for my little one. She's not sleeping. Let me tell you, nothing can make you question motherhood like being sleep deprived. With all my other kids it has been a piece of cake to put them to sleep in their crib. Even after they had slept in the rock n play or swing for a few months. The transition was nothing. I blinked and all was good. Then came Madison. My husband says, "When you decide that this is the last baby they are always a terror." At first I laughed. But I think he is right. We even visited the doctor. No reflux and no ear infections. His conclusion....She's a stinker!

From day one she has told me what she wants. When she's hungry, cold, wet or incredibly resentful at me for putting her in her crib. At first I just started putting her in for naps. It's easier to train a child in the day than at night. But she wouldn't have it. She didn't want her crib. She wanted me or her rock n play. I thought ok we'll just try tomorrow. Then tomorrow didn't work. Or the day after that. Now I am going on almost 2 weeks of trying to get her to sleep in her crib. And wow am I sleep deprived! She was so mad at me for trying to get her to sleep in her crib she decided she was just going to fuss every time I put her down. Then she just didn't want to sleep anywhere but in my arms.
Now, let me be very clear. I am not a co sleeper. I love the idea. But I do not sleep well because I am always worried about something happening to her. That's me. For everyone else that co sleeps and it works for you; That's great!

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morning, looking at that sweet little face that God gave to me to love, I thought to myself of Psalm 18:32 -33 "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights." And in the hours of the morning, looking like a startled deer, when I felt like giving up I thought God didn't give up. God's love has no limits. He arms me with strength. HE is my strength. God has promised to be our strength and to enable us to accomplish what could not be done without him. Isn't that wonderful! Look upon the Lord. He will sustain us.

Get Your Pretty On!

The other day while at the library looking for books on our geography study I stumbled upon this book, "Getting the Pretty Back" by Molly Ringwald. At first glance I didn't think it would be a good read. I passed it up. But then I started thinking about this book. I wanted something to read after the kids go to bed so I went back and picked it up. As I started reading the book, which by the way I recommend,  I thought to myself  "Hum, women seem to have an issue with being pretty." When we look at ourselves we see everything wrong with us. Society has a flawed vision of pretty and beauty. Why is that? Is it the size 2 model walking down the runway that makes us second guess how we look? Is it the Victoria Secret ad that came in the mail? 

Whatever the reason is can you stop and think of 5 things that make you feel pretty? As I was thinking about this post I thought of 5 things we can all do to make us feel pretty again.

1) Know that you are made in the image of God. A glorious and beautiful Lord! God sees you as a masterpiece.

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful!"

1 Samuel 16:7 "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart."

2) Say "Thank you!" Thank God everyday for the person He has made you. Thank people when given a compliment. Don't criticize yourself. You are criticizing the one who made you. 

3) Make Time! Ok moms. Let's get serious. I don't want to hear how you have kids and can't take a shower or whatever. I am a mom of 8 kids and I make time! I had a lady ask me one time after she found out I had 8 kids, "How is it possible that your hair, makeup and nails are always done? I have 2 kids and can't even find time to get a shower; let alone do my hair and makeup." I am not doing these things to be vain. I am doing these things because it makes me feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself I can conquer anything! 

4) Wrong Focus. If you are focused on the negative you will be negative. Try focusing on the positive things about yourself. I try not to focus on my size or the clothes that don't fit. Learn to dress the body you are in. Learn how to find clothes that minimize the things you don't like. 

5) Smile. Everyone can benefit from smiling. Clinically speaking smiling reduces stress, can put you in a better mood, and it's contagious. Smiling makes you pretty!

Ladies, don't look to man to make you feel pretty. Man will always fail you. Yet seek affirmation from your Heavenly Father. He made you pretty! He will never fail you. Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

So What Do You Do All Day?!?

Ok. Quite frankly I am tired of this. Since there is a lot going around now about stay-at-home-moms I thought I would give some people some insight of "What I do all day." I mean, I really sit around eating bon bons all day. HA!! Do they even make bon bons anymore? Anyway, I have been a working mother and I am now a stay-at-home-mom. I know what working women do. You are busy. You have quotas to meet. You have to balance. There is no right or wrong answer if you choose to work or stay home. The question is, are you doing what's best for your family? Women can tend to get so judgmental over one or the other. Should you judge the mother that doesn't do the same as you? If you are doing what's best for your family shouldn't you be content?

I know I am but it took me a long time to get here.

I did the whole work, go to school to better myself type thing with four kids at the time. It wasn't for me. I could not balance trying to work, go to school and have a family. I know there are women who do it and I applaud them. I know how hard it is. But when it comes to my calling I get, "So, what do you DO all day?" That question is a loaded one and it bothers me. You don't see me walking up to a working mother and asking the same question. That would be rude! And yet in our society women and men think it's OK to ask these sort of questions.

So what do I do all day/night?

Well I can't really tell you when my day starts and ends because I have a 5 month old and 2 toddlers that wake me up at night. I try to get started around 10:30am. I choose that time because my lovely 16 year old watches the kids so I can try to get 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep. He is amazing! Sorry I won't share ;) After I get up we try to get the littles situated so that we can start school. I try to do 2 kids at a time because this helps someone to be watching the littles while the others have my undivided attention. I am homeschooling my 16 year old all the way down to my 5 year old. This takes a while. Usually til around 4 pm. Sometimes later depending on if I have tests for the kids.

The house is usually trashed and looks like the tasmanian devil came through. There are at least 3 loads of laundry to wash, fold and put away, including cloth diapers. There is cereal on the floor and in a child's hair, dishes in the sink, legos everywhere, Thomas the train tracks anywhere my child thinks a track can go etc. Now this is light compared to most days. Just giving a little insight to things. It is around 4 pm when we have to clean up for daddy to come home. Sometimes we are successful with a clean house. Most times not!

So what am I? What do I do? I am a servant of God, wife, mommy, a teacher, a playmate, a nurse, a housekeeper, a laundry attendant, a referee all rolled into one. And it's 24 hours a day! I don't get vacations, sick leave or holidays off. About Parenting says: a stay-at-home-mom would get $117,856 yearly salary. Whoa!
It is more than a full time job. But do you want to know something? It is not just a JOB. At a job you are expendable. I am not expendable. I am really EVERYTHING to this family! Let's face it if my husband were to loose me he would have to hire a lot of help. And it wouldn't be cheap! So no this is not a job. This is a calling. This is a lifetime investment of little people that I get to love. I get to see them every waking moment and not miss a first step, or a first tooth, or learning how to read. I get to do all this! I get to be there kissing boo boos. And I wouldn't miss it for all the earthy things so many treasure. I am so Thankful to God and my husband to be able to have this privilege. Because it is a beautiful privilege.

We Are Not Your Average Homeschool Family

Yes! I have 8 kids. Yes! I homeschool. But that doesn't mean that all homeschool families are alike. They differ just like every other family. We LOVE technology! We love kindles, computers, video games, TV, cell phones etc. It's good to be unique! I would encourage your family to be only what God has designed for your family.

I find it interesting that almost every time we are out with all eight we get these questions."Do you want to be like the Duggars?" "Do you wear skirts?" "Are they all by the same man?" "Do you use only one letter for all the kids?"

I want to answer these questions. Yes they are all by the same man!!! The next question I usually get is, "Do you want to be like the Duggars?" I respond with; No I do not! I want to be what God created our family to be. On Tv their life looks wonderful and it may be; and I think they are a great family. But no one should strive to be like someone else. The only thing that makes us alike is that we are brothers and sisters in Christ.

"Do you wear skirts?" The answer to that is; not all the time. I love skirts! They come in an array of colors and shapes but I also love my yoga pants too. I mean, they are so comfortable! Anyway, I think skirts are great but why does that define a homeschool family? Is it Modesty? Because I believe you can be modest in jeans or what ever you want to wear. I know there is a lot of controversy over leggings. I do wear these but always have something covering my rear end.

1 Peter 3:2-5 says Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. 

One time we were at Costco and we had the whole family. It was warm out so the girls and I wore skirts. A lady came up to us and said "Oh you all look lovely. You don't see families dressing like this. I bet you homeschool too!" While it was a nice comment it seems like, Hey! You're wearing a skirt you must be this, this and this....I want to wear what my husband likes me to wear. It is his headship that I am under. And he likes to go shopping with me. :)

Finally, no I don't use just one letter of the alphabet. I am not bias. I like all the letters of the alphabet. At one point my husband said, "We are not going to use the same letter twice!" I thought it was funny but we kind of stuck with doing that! 

If you are a homeschool family I'd love to hear in the comments some off the wall questions you've been asked.

Transitions

As we were transitioning into 2015 that was not the only thing in our house that was making transitions. Jackson, my two year old, informed me he was a big boy by falling out of his crib. Luckily, Titus put blankets down to break his fall. As I went in during nap time to check on them they were laughing and it was so sweet. I asked Jackson how he got out of his crib and he said, "Tity me out!"  So I decided the crib needed to be adjusted to the toddler bed setting. "Nooo!" Jackson said. He wanted to sleep in Tity's bed. He really loves his older brother.

As I was making the adjustments to the room to child proof it and take the crib down it made me sad. Jackson and Madison are my last babies. Parents always look forward to the kids growing up and getting older but I have now done this 7 times and it is hard knowing the kids are getting older and going to leave the nest. Gabe is 16 and going to start college this year. I can't believe it! The time fly's by so fast. So I have decided in 2015 to enjoy every little moment with my little ones. As the poem says, Babies don't keep.

"BABIES DON’T KEEP"

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Author: Ruth Hulburt Hamilton