This Angry Mama

I have to lay it all out here. I struggle with anger. I yell, I'm impatient and agitated. I always get, "You must be so patient to homeschool." Nooooo!!! I am not! But it happens to the best of us. Right? It seems like stepping on a lego with your barefoot can trigger me to just go off. Anger is something that I have dealt with on and off for years. Asking God to forgive me and to give me grace towards my kids like He gives grace to me. But this is my cross I have to bear.

My emotions and exhaustion get the better of me and then the anger rears it's ugly head. One day at the lovely Costco, my oldest boy and my oldest girl went at it. "Mom will you tell Faith blah blah" and "Mom will you tell Gabe he can't blah blah blah." That's the moment I tune out because they want me to be the referee that I can't be. How can I take sides? I love them both. I usually end up telling them they have to work it out themselves. Somewhere Faith realized she was the oldest girl and thought she was in charge and Gabe knew he was the oldest and that's when the head butting began. As I am trying to solve this argument Titus got the better of me. He was in the cart ~ out of the cart ~ on the side of the cart ~  under the cart ~ and when I put him in his seat and told him to stay I said, "Titus if you don't stop I'm gonna" and as I looked down into his little warm eyes staring back at me my heart melt. Here is this kid having the time of his life hanging on the cart. I don't want to steal his fun but my kids know there is a certain way that I feel they need to behave. As I looked into these sweet blue eyes of Titus I realized that the anger was a manifestation of my will and not God's will. I realized that I should not lash out in anger simply because I am exhausted.

The problem here is that many moms are afraid or even ashamed to admit that they are an angry mom. But why? I guess because we want all of those mom's at the mommy group thinking we have everything together. But what if we were to share our struggles. I think we would find that other mommies are struggling too and are in need of emotional support. I could just see myself going to a group and saying, " Hi! My name is Casey and I am an Angryaholic." How do you think that would go over? I'd probably get some looks like I was crazy! Lol! I am ok with that but I think that we would find that other moms are struggling too and it took one person to say, "Hey, I am a sinner and so aren't you! Let's pray for each other. Let's help one another."

I think by hiding our bitterness we hold those emotions in and not facing them we need to take a look inside and realize that we are selfish beings at heart. Our anger is a heart issue that needs to continually be brought at the feet of Jesus. 

Then the rest of my day is filled in thought and prayer over the issues of the day. Like me I know that kids will have good days and bad days. I can't control my kids actions but I can control my reaction. 

I think the worst for me is at night I feel so guilty for yelling at them. When I go and tuck them in I see the faces of angels. Sweet. Gentle. Forgiving. I ask for forgiveness. From them. Jackson, Titus and Zach will pile on me with a big hug and say, "It's ok mommy. Tomorrow is a new day!" I used to say that a lot. It's true though. Tomorrow is always another day to choose to make things better.

James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

  

I hope you have a blessed evening and if you have any issues like mine I pray that you will have the courage to speak out about it.