We Should Be Talking About Miscarriage

Miscarriages are difficult. Especially when people think you shouldn’t talk about it. It is such a magical moment when you find out you are pregnant. A thrill! Their little life flashes before your eyes. What color of eyes. What color of hair. Their smile. Is it a boy or girl. Picking a name. Birth. Holding the baby for the first time. I can remember very clearly the first time I held my children. They are by far etched in my memory forever. But then it happens. A miscarriage. All that hope turns into hopeless despair. Will I have another one? Can I have another one? Do I want to go through this again? 

I have had 5 miscarriages and only a few people know that. Besides my husband for whatever reason I chose to do it alone. And that is a terrible place to be. Alone. 

This last miscarriage was in February 2013, right before I got pregnant with Madison. 

It was by far the worst one as I was about to hit my second trimester but the baby stopped growing earlier. There is nothing worse than the technician saying she can’t find the heart beat. It’s not easy going through labor but the times I did it I had a great reward. With the miscarriage I did not. It’s hard to will yourself to go through that pain when you have nothing to gain. No tiny fingers and toes to count, no eyes to look into, no tiny hand to hold your finger, no cheeks to kiss, no baby to caress. It leaves you raw of emotion. But to some people a miscarriage doesn’t matter. People would say, “Oh Casey you can always have more!” Or “Your hands are full honey. You don’t need anymore!” 

But how do they know? First off, this is my child. MY CHILD! Not a blob of tissue. I can’t have another one because there will never be one with that genetic marker and those finger prints. That baby was a person. That baby was unique in his or her own way. And how do they know I could have more? And no my hands aren't full enough and my heart is empty and hurting. Even though I didn’t see that baby doesn’t mean I didn’t love it. Doesn’t mean I didn’t dream about him or her. How he looked. Did he look like me or Brian. Probably Brian. They alway look like their daddy. How she smelled. Babies have this remarkable smell that any mother can identify and it is pure ecstasy. They say that this smell alone has the power to cure depression in some women. Studies have found that regardless of the maternal status, the smell of newborns triggered dopamine release in the reward pathways of the brain - the same “pleasure pathways” affected by cocaine, food, and other stimuli that evoke reward response. I’ll take the baby drug any day!

But what about grief? A lot of people think you shouldn’t mourn your miscarriage. Why? Does the child not deserve it? Of course it does! It was your baby.

I knew a lady who I went to church with at Grace Family Baptist in Spring, Texas. It was my first miscarriage. It didn’t know how I was feeling or what I should be feeling. I knew I was numb. She came over and talked to me about grieving. She told me to mourn the baby and to properly grieve how I felt was necessary. She said to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling instead of staying numb. The day after that women were bring me meals and showing me so much love. I remember that night I started to cry. And cry. I don’t know if she knows how much her kind words have helped me.

With number ten I remember very clearly after my D&C that the baby was indeed gone. And the pain began. A pain unlike anything I have felt. This life was inside me. A connection only I knew. And I cried. I cried at the loss. But then I thought that the spirit has never left me. That child’s spirit will always be with me. The hopes and dreams that I had for the baby may be gone but a part of him or her will always live inside me. I cried out to the Lord, “Lord why does this hurt so much? Please take it away." I am always reminded that there should be 13 instead of 8. There are missing pieces to my heart. I remember saying "I need peace and comfort Lord. Please comfort me."And in that moment I felt a peace unlike anything I have ever felt before. And I laid there. Trembling. Sobbing. The song “You’re Beautiful" by Phil Wickham came into my mind. I got out my phone and started playing it on You tube. The words are exhilarating. They are so beautiful. My favorite verse is, “When we arrive at eternity’s shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more, We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we’ll sing…You’re beautiful!” I played that song as I cried myself to sleep and then something miraculous happened. I was ok. I. Was. ok. And then, my sadness turned into anger and then my anger turned in to accepting what had happened. Only then was I able to pick myself up and start doing this thing called life again.  There is a part of me that will never be ok. That will never recover. If you have suffered a miscarriage then I am sure you know what I am talking about. It's ok to talk about your baby. Shout it from the rooftop!!! Don't forget about your baby and remember that life that once filled your womb is a beautiful child of God. And even in the hardest times. When we are in our valley. Praise the Lord. Because He WILL bring you through it. 

Psalm 23:4 He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.

This Angry Mama

I have to lay it all out here. I struggle with anger. I yell, I'm impatient and agitated. I always get, "You must be so patient to homeschool." Nooooo!!! I am not! But it happens to the best of us. Right? It seems like stepping on a lego with your barefoot can trigger me to just go off. Anger is something that I have dealt with on and off for years. Asking God to forgive me and to give me grace towards my kids like He gives grace to me. But this is my cross I have to bear.

My emotions and exhaustion get the better of me and then the anger rears it's ugly head. One day at the lovely Costco, my oldest boy and my oldest girl went at it. "Mom will you tell Faith blah blah" and "Mom will you tell Gabe he can't blah blah blah." That's the moment I tune out because they want me to be the referee that I can't be. How can I take sides? I love them both. I usually end up telling them they have to work it out themselves. Somewhere Faith realized she was the oldest girl and thought she was in charge and Gabe knew he was the oldest and that's when the head butting began. As I am trying to solve this argument Titus got the better of me. He was in the cart ~ out of the cart ~ on the side of the cart ~  under the cart ~ and when I put him in his seat and told him to stay I said, "Titus if you don't stop I'm gonna" and as I looked down into his little warm eyes staring back at me my heart melt. Here is this kid having the time of his life hanging on the cart. I don't want to steal his fun but my kids know there is a certain way that I feel they need to behave. As I looked into these sweet blue eyes of Titus I realized that the anger was a manifestation of my will and not God's will. I realized that I should not lash out in anger simply because I am exhausted.

The problem here is that many moms are afraid or even ashamed to admit that they are an angry mom. But why? I guess because we want all of those mom's at the mommy group thinking we have everything together. But what if we were to share our struggles. I think we would find that other mommies are struggling too and are in need of emotional support. I could just see myself going to a group and saying, " Hi! My name is Casey and I am an Angryaholic." How do you think that would go over? I'd probably get some looks like I was crazy! Lol! I am ok with that but I think that we would find that other moms are struggling too and it took one person to say, "Hey, I am a sinner and so aren't you! Let's pray for each other. Let's help one another."

I think by hiding our bitterness we hold those emotions in and not facing them we need to take a look inside and realize that we are selfish beings at heart. Our anger is a heart issue that needs to continually be brought at the feet of Jesus. 

Then the rest of my day is filled in thought and prayer over the issues of the day. Like me I know that kids will have good days and bad days. I can't control my kids actions but I can control my reaction. 

I think the worst for me is at night I feel so guilty for yelling at them. When I go and tuck them in I see the faces of angels. Sweet. Gentle. Forgiving. I ask for forgiveness. From them. Jackson, Titus and Zach will pile on me with a big hug and say, "It's ok mommy. Tomorrow is a new day!" I used to say that a lot. It's true though. Tomorrow is always another day to choose to make things better.

James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

  

I hope you have a blessed evening and if you have any issues like mine I pray that you will have the courage to speak out about it.

The Tired Mama

It seems like on a day to day basis I am running myself thin. Motherhood comes with so many advantages. The only disadvantage is we give up on ourselves. I feel like some nights I am so tired I am throwing myself into the arms of Jesus begging for rest. Even though I am so fulfilled in my role as a mother I struggle with being worn out and tired. I'm always pushing myself. Wishing I could have just 5 more minutes of sleep. Wondering if I'm doing a good job. Schooling. Cleaning. Dealing with whose turn it is to build a lego house. It can be tiring. Us mothers forget to take care of ourselves.
And we do this because we love a little person so much more than ourselves that we don't take the time to rejuvenate.

Last month my sweet husband surprised me with a small getaway for our 15th anniversary. It was great to come together as a couple and to solely focus on our marriage. It was good for me to stop being mom for a moment.

God hold's motherhood in high regard. We mothers have a high calling and our actions are so important in the raising and shaping of our children. It's a bit intimidating. Sometimes I can't believe that God entrusts me with these little people.  I think that being a Mom just simply means being tired. All. The. Time.

So what to do when your are worn out?

I call upon my Heavenly Father for help. I throw myself at His feet asking for strength for another day. And through asking Jesus for help I see His grace and mercy. I don't know what my day will hold, but God does. He knows that I will fail and I will need help. This is where I will find rest in the arms of Christ.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:24

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; It is who I say to you, "Fear Not, It is I the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13

Count Your Blessings

On August 9th Madison turned one! What a year this has been!

January 2015. Ah, a new year. What wonders a new year holds. I found out I was pregnant with #8. I was so excited but so scared. I had a miscarriage in February of 2014 and it left me raw with emotions. Thankfully with the Lords grace I was able to be pregnant again. Things were going well. Even though I have uterinedydelphus, MTHFR and NAIT (Neonatal Alloimmune Thrombocytopenia) things were going pretty well with the pregnancy. I found out in March that we were having a girl. The family was so excited after a streak of boys. We were excited for bows and dresses!

In early April around 20 + weeks I started my weekly IVIg therapy in hopes that my immune system would focus on something else other than the baby. It started out a little rough. I was having the worse migraine I had ever had. It hurt to move my head off of my pillow. I could barely open my eyes. I did make it downstairs to talk with my husband but ended up getting severely sick. I called my doctor and he suspected Aseptic Meningitis. Swelling on the brain. This is a side affect of the IVIg therapy. He put me on mannitol for the rest of my pregnancy hoping that it would fix the excess fluid off my brain. I was so swollen and big from all the Iv fluids and the mannitol.

The pregnancy continued well even though the ivig was rough. Dr. Paul did a sonogram every week to check Madison's progress. Every time she checked out fine. One day, a couple weeks before i delivered I was having some issues. The doctors did a thorough exam and felt that everything was fine.

I got up early the morning of the c-section. I was 36+6. Almost full term. I got my stuff to get ready for the hospital and as we were walking out of the house I had a thought to have Brian take a picture of my belly. But we were in a hurry so I thought I'd wait til we got to the hospital. After we got there things started going fast. I really wanted that picture. Something inside me knew something was wrong. I told the nurse that I was beginning to have contractions and they didn't feel like normal contractions. They burned. She said that in a few minutes I'd be back in the OR and everything would be fine.

I got back in the OR and they prepped me. As I was laying there I started to have a ton of anxiety and I got scared. They gave me something to relax me. The next thing I know Dr. Paul tells me I shouldn't have anymore children. When he opened me up for the c-section there was a hole inside the uterus. If Madison's water would have broke she would have been free floating in my abdomen. We were lucky to be alive the doctor said. They had to do repair work but thankfully I didn't need a hysterectomy. The doctor said the incision just became weak and opened up. I had no pain until the day I came in for my c-section and started to contract. Madison has also been my first full term baby since we found out about NAIT.

Today I am so thankful for my baby girl. The Lord has been so gracious! She is a tremendous blessing! I can't imagine life without her.

My special blankie

Tonight after dinner I was getting the kids ready for bed. It's usually filled with chaos as we all try to get the rowdy little ones to calm down. As I was trying to master this mommy thing Madison managed to slip out of her diaper and pee on the floor while Titus was running around all crazy. I told Jackson to sit on the couch in my bedroom while I got the other ones a bath and I would get his in a few minutes. I got Maddie her bath and looked out on the couch. He was still sitting there waiting for me.

I walked over to the couch and sat down beside him. I brushed the hair out of his eyes and noticed he felt particularly warm. I laid him down and took his temp. Yep, a fever. His little cheeks all flushed and his sweet eyes starring at me. I got him his bath and his Olaf pjs and asked him if he wanted to sleep on the couch in my room. The kids usually camp out there when one of them isn't feeling well so I can keep an eye on them at night. He said yes and I got him my "special blankie".

This "special blankie" was crocheted by Brian's great grandmother Ruby. She passed away a few years ago. I always really liked the blanket that she made so I only let the kids use it when they aren't feeling well. When Faith was little and she would get sick she would say, "Mommy I want the special blankie tonight!"

I got the special blankie out of the drawer and I unfolded it. Jackson gave me the sweetest smile as I laid it on him. I snuggled up next to him and I said, "I love you Jackson Matthew!" He smiled, snuggled into me and closed his eyes. As I was starring at him sleeping I couldn't help but think of how beautiful this child was. The sweet innocence in his face. Soft. Truly in peace while he was sleeping. Long beautiful eyelashes. A cute round nose. Chubby cheeks. The tinniest little hands. And I thought to myself. This is what God has made. So wonderful. So perfect. So mesmerizing. I fell in love with this child in my womb. He was loved before I knew who he was. Jackson was fearfully and wonderfully made. And he is perfect to me! There is nothing more wonderful than how full your heart feels when you love a child. So much joy. Bliss. Contentment. And I am so thankful to God that He chose me to be Jackson's mommy.

Matthew 18:10 "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."

We Chose Life

Back in 1997 on the smoking hill behind Alton High I met this guy. He had the best eyes. I thought he was so cute and I just had to meet him. I was afraid to say anything to him because I was preppy and well; he was not. I told a mutual friend of ours but told her not to tell anyone. But like most teenagers they can't keep a secret and she screamed across the hill that I liked him. After the embarrassment I was glad she did because it got us talking.

I asked him out. I am a really blunt person. I also threatened a girl that liked him. Not one of my best moments but I was determined to date him. Romantic huh!?! 

After a few months of dating in August of 1997 I found out I was pregnant. I went to the doctor because I was having some issues and I wasn't feeling well. I didn't suspect I was pregnant because I still had a cycle. When the doctor came in he told my Mom and I that I was pregnant. I asked him how that could be I still had a cycle and he said that I also had uterinedydelphus  or double uterus. He said even though I was pregnant that my other uterus had a cycle which is why I didn't know I was pregnant. He then told me that I should consider and abortion because I wouldn't be able to carry to term since I had the double uterus. He said I would probably miscarry at 3 months. My Mom said that wasn't an option and we would let God handle it.

At this time I wouldn't have called myself a christian. I believed in God but didn't understand the personal relationship with him. After leaving the doctor's office I wondered to myself why abortion wasn't an option? I didn't understand what that really meant. I started thinking about abortion and about adoption. I didn't know how I would finish high school? I was only in the start of my junior year. I didn't even have my license. How was I going to go to college? Support myself and a baby? Would Brian stick around to help? All these things ran through my mind.

I remember having a talk with my Mom about what I should do. She told me that abortion was out of the question and so wasn't adoption. She said she would help and walk me to school everyday if she had to! Brian and I were scared. We were children having a child.

A few months rolled by and in January of 1998 I got sick with a terrible flu. I called my Mom and she picked me up from school. I explained to her the pains I was having and she rushed me to the doctor. I was in labor at 24 weeks. At first I was so disconnected with the pregnancy. It wasn't until I thought I was going to loose him was when it hit me that I was going to be a mommy and I loved this child. Remorse coursed through me. I couldn't believe for a minute I thought about having an abortion. I cried as they showed me a picture on the sonogram. I couldn't believe how tiny he was moving around. I asked God to save my child.

My labor finally stopped after a week and a half in the hospital. Fears from the doctor that I would loose the baby they put me on complete bedrest until I delivered. That was when I was introduced to homeschooling. The school sent out a teacher since I couldn't attend school. I loved the idea of homeschooling. Since I had a lot of time on my hands I made straight A's that year.

On May 12, 1998 I gave birth to my son Gabriel. He was 5lbs 12oz and was perfect! We were scared to death! We managed to figure it out. We had a lot of help from our family. Brian got a job and started going to college. My Mom and Brian's grandma watched Gabriel so I could finish high school. We graduated high school in 1999. Brian and I got married in 2000 and now have 8 children.

As I look back I am so thankful that the Lord had his hand in my life. I can't imagine my life without Gabriel and the pain and grief I would have if I let myself succumb to the temptations of the flesh. It's amazing that God took something so wrong and made someone so beautiful. 

Gabriel is now 17. He is an amazing person! He is outgoing and optimistic about life. I thank God everyday for him! 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 118:1 Give thanks to the Lord; for He is good. His love endures forever.