The Tired Mama

It seems like on a day to day basis I am running myself thin. Motherhood comes with so many advantages. The only disadvantage is we give up on ourselves. I feel like some nights I am so tired I am throwing myself into the arms of Jesus begging for rest. Even though I am so fulfilled in my role as a mother I struggle with being worn out and tired. I'm always pushing myself. Wishing I could have just 5 more minutes of sleep. Wondering if I'm doing a good job. Schooling. Cleaning. Dealing with whose turn it is to build a lego house. It can be tiring. Us mothers forget to take care of ourselves.
And we do this because we love a little person so much more than ourselves that we don't take the time to rejuvenate.

Last month my sweet husband surprised me with a small getaway for our 15th anniversary. It was great to come together as a couple and to solely focus on our marriage. It was good for me to stop being mom for a moment.

God hold's motherhood in high regard. We mothers have a high calling and our actions are so important in the raising and shaping of our children. It's a bit intimidating. Sometimes I can't believe that God entrusts me with these little people.  I think that being a Mom just simply means being tired. All. The. Time.

So what to do when your are worn out?

I call upon my Heavenly Father for help. I throw myself at His feet asking for strength for another day. And through asking Jesus for help I see His grace and mercy. I don't know what my day will hold, but God does. He knows that I will fail and I will need help. This is where I will find rest in the arms of Christ.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:24

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; It is who I say to you, "Fear Not, It is I the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13

Count Your Blessings

On August 9th Madison turned one! What a year this has been!

January 2015. Ah, a new year. What wonders a new year holds. I found out I was pregnant with #8. I was so excited but so scared. I had a miscarriage in February of 2014 and it left me raw with emotions. Thankfully with the Lords grace I was able to be pregnant again. Things were going well. Even though I have uterinedydelphus, MTHFR and NAIT (Neonatal Alloimmune Thrombocytopenia) things were going pretty well with the pregnancy. I found out in March that we were having a girl. The family was so excited after a streak of boys. We were excited for bows and dresses!

In early April around 20 + weeks I started my weekly IVIg therapy in hopes that my immune system would focus on something else other than the baby. It started out a little rough. I was having the worse migraine I had ever had. It hurt to move my head off of my pillow. I could barely open my eyes. I did make it downstairs to talk with my husband but ended up getting severely sick. I called my doctor and he suspected Aseptic Meningitis. Swelling on the brain. This is a side affect of the IVIg therapy. He put me on mannitol for the rest of my pregnancy hoping that it would fix the excess fluid off my brain. I was so swollen and big from all the Iv fluids and the mannitol.

The pregnancy continued well even though the ivig was rough. Dr. Paul did a sonogram every week to check Madison's progress. Every time she checked out fine. One day, a couple weeks before i delivered I was having some issues. The doctors did a thorough exam and felt that everything was fine.

I got up early the morning of the c-section. I was 36+6. Almost full term. I got my stuff to get ready for the hospital and as we were walking out of the house I had a thought to have Brian take a picture of my belly. But we were in a hurry so I thought I'd wait til we got to the hospital. After we got there things started going fast. I really wanted that picture. Something inside me knew something was wrong. I told the nurse that I was beginning to have contractions and they didn't feel like normal contractions. They burned. She said that in a few minutes I'd be back in the OR and everything would be fine.

I got back in the OR and they prepped me. As I was laying there I started to have a ton of anxiety and I got scared. They gave me something to relax me. The next thing I know Dr. Paul tells me I shouldn't have anymore children. When he opened me up for the c-section there was a hole inside the uterus. If Madison's water would have broke she would have been free floating in my abdomen. We were lucky to be alive the doctor said. They had to do repair work but thankfully I didn't need a hysterectomy. The doctor said the incision just became weak and opened up. I had no pain until the day I came in for my c-section and started to contract. Madison has also been my first full term baby since we found out about NAIT.

Today I am so thankful for my baby girl. The Lord has been so gracious! She is a tremendous blessing! I can't imagine life without her.

My special blankie

Tonight after dinner I was getting the kids ready for bed. It's usually filled with chaos as we all try to get the rowdy little ones to calm down. As I was trying to master this mommy thing Madison managed to slip out of her diaper and pee on the floor while Titus was running around all crazy. I told Jackson to sit on the couch in my bedroom while I got the other ones a bath and I would get his in a few minutes. I got Maddie her bath and looked out on the couch. He was still sitting there waiting for me.

I walked over to the couch and sat down beside him. I brushed the hair out of his eyes and noticed he felt particularly warm. I laid him down and took his temp. Yep, a fever. His little cheeks all flushed and his sweet eyes starring at me. I got him his bath and his Olaf pjs and asked him if he wanted to sleep on the couch in my room. The kids usually camp out there when one of them isn't feeling well so I can keep an eye on them at night. He said yes and I got him my "special blankie".

This "special blankie" was crocheted by Brian's great grandmother Ruby. She passed away a few years ago. I always really liked the blanket that she made so I only let the kids use it when they aren't feeling well. When Faith was little and she would get sick she would say, "Mommy I want the special blankie tonight!"

I got the special blankie out of the drawer and I unfolded it. Jackson gave me the sweetest smile as I laid it on him. I snuggled up next to him and I said, "I love you Jackson Matthew!" He smiled, snuggled into me and closed his eyes. As I was starring at him sleeping I couldn't help but think of how beautiful this child was. The sweet innocence in his face. Soft. Truly in peace while he was sleeping. Long beautiful eyelashes. A cute round nose. Chubby cheeks. The tinniest little hands. And I thought to myself. This is what God has made. So wonderful. So perfect. So mesmerizing. I fell in love with this child in my womb. He was loved before I knew who he was. Jackson was fearfully and wonderfully made. And he is perfect to me! There is nothing more wonderful than how full your heart feels when you love a child. So much joy. Bliss. Contentment. And I am so thankful to God that He chose me to be Jackson's mommy.

Matthew 18:10 "See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven."

We Chose Life

Back in 1997 on the smoking hill behind Alton High I met this guy. He had the best eyes. I thought he was so cute and I just had to meet him. I was afraid to say anything to him because I was preppy and well; he was not. I told a mutual friend of ours but told her not to tell anyone. But like most teenagers they can't keep a secret and she screamed across the hill that I liked him. After the embarrassment I was glad she did because it got us talking.

I asked him out. I am a really blunt person. I also threatened a girl that liked him. Not one of my best moments but I was determined to date him. Romantic huh!?! 

After a few months of dating in August of 1997 I found out I was pregnant. I went to the doctor because I was having some issues and I wasn't feeling well. I didn't suspect I was pregnant because I still had a cycle. When the doctor came in he told my Mom and I that I was pregnant. I asked him how that could be I still had a cycle and he said that I also had uterinedydelphus  or double uterus. He said even though I was pregnant that my other uterus had a cycle which is why I didn't know I was pregnant. He then told me that I should consider and abortion because I wouldn't be able to carry to term since I had the double uterus. He said I would probably miscarry at 3 months. My Mom said that wasn't an option and we would let God handle it.

At this time I wouldn't have called myself a christian. I believed in God but didn't understand the personal relationship with him. After leaving the doctor's office I wondered to myself why abortion wasn't an option? I didn't understand what that really meant. I started thinking about abortion and about adoption. I didn't know how I would finish high school? I was only in the start of my junior year. I didn't even have my license. How was I going to go to college? Support myself and a baby? Would Brian stick around to help? All these things ran through my mind.

I remember having a talk with my Mom about what I should do. She told me that abortion was out of the question and so wasn't adoption. She said she would help and walk me to school everyday if she had to! Brian and I were scared. We were children having a child.

A few months rolled by and in January of 1998 I got sick with a terrible flu. I called my Mom and she picked me up from school. I explained to her the pains I was having and she rushed me to the doctor. I was in labor at 24 weeks. At first I was so disconnected with the pregnancy. It wasn't until I thought I was going to loose him was when it hit me that I was going to be a mommy and I loved this child. Remorse coursed through me. I couldn't believe for a minute I thought about having an abortion. I cried as they showed me a picture on the sonogram. I couldn't believe how tiny he was moving around. I asked God to save my child.

My labor finally stopped after a week and a half in the hospital. Fears from the doctor that I would loose the baby they put me on complete bedrest until I delivered. That was when I was introduced to homeschooling. The school sent out a teacher since I couldn't attend school. I loved the idea of homeschooling. Since I had a lot of time on my hands I made straight A's that year.

On May 12, 1998 I gave birth to my son Gabriel. He was 5lbs 12oz and was perfect! We were scared to death! We managed to figure it out. We had a lot of help from our family. Brian got a job and started going to college. My Mom and Brian's grandma watched Gabriel so I could finish high school. We graduated high school in 1999. Brian and I got married in 2000 and now have 8 children.

As I look back I am so thankful that the Lord had his hand in my life. I can't imagine my life without Gabriel and the pain and grief I would have if I let myself succumb to the temptations of the flesh. It's amazing that God took something so wrong and made someone so beautiful. 

Gabriel is now 17. He is an amazing person! He is outgoing and optimistic about life. I thank God everyday for him! 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 118:1 Give thanks to the Lord; for He is good. His love endures forever.

By The Grace of God

My goodness time flies by when you're having fun.....and not so much fun. Brian and I have been married 15 years. It has been tough but I wouldn't change one thing that we've had to go through. Every hard battle we've  had has made our marriage stronger. I'll put it to you straight. Marriage can be heaven on earth or hell on earth.  

We started out young. We had our first child at 16. We got married when we were 19. We had 4 children by the time we were 25. I decided after I had Alexandra that I would get my tubes tied. That was a mistake. I had PTLS (Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome). The PTLS caused severe depression along with other problems. Brian was drinking a lot and the combination was catastrophic.

We decided to split up in 2008. 

But the Lord had a plan. By the grace of God we worked things out and the Lord showed us a new path to walk down. We renewed our vows on July 26th 2008. These were not the simple I do's. We knew the gravity of marriage. We knew what it would take if we were to succeed. We knew the hurt in loosing each other. We knew that it needed to be God, each other, children. Something that I didn't understand. I put my children first when my husband should have came first. And I put all of them above God. I am thankful for the gift of repentance and the Lord's kindness and grace towards Brian and I. 

Fast forward to today and Brian and I have been married for 15 years. The last few years have been wonderful! I couldn't have asked for a more loving and attentive husband and I thank God for restoring what we almost threw away. 

Ephesians 5:24 …24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,…

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper has been playing for girls of all ages since 1985. She would sing her way into our bedrooms while we were jumping on beds signing along in a hairbrush.

Anyway, this past Saturday night I was the designated driver for my girlfriends bachelorette party. I was very happy to do this for them since I don't drink and not a lot of people have a sweet 15 passenger van. We started off at Pinot's Palette in Chesterfield, Missouri for a paint night. This is an awesome place to do parties for all different ages. I was very excited that my painting didn't look like a preschooler did it. And yes I was worried about that!

From there the girls wanted to go to a casino near by for a night of dancing. I happily obliged. We got into the casino bar and it was packed. All seats were full. We walked around a bit and we finally got a table. I told the girls that they could go dance and I would save the table for them. I am not much for partying or dancing. I do enjoy people watching so I was not at all bored sitting there. As I was sitting at the table a 50-60ish year old man approached me. He was running his finger back and forth on the table. I looked up and he said, "May I join you?" In my head I was thinking "Eww! No creepy guy! Go away!" But that would have been rude. I said, "Sure!" He was staring at my ring and said, "That ring is a ring from a man that really loves you!" I said yes it was and he jumped up and said, "Well I guess I better move on!" And he was off to do someone or something else. I just shook my head and got out my phone. A bit later the girls wanted me to dance with them. I am not much of a dancer but it was fun and the girls were having a great time.

I decided to go get a soda and at the bar I was approached by a man. He asked how I was. I said fine. Trying to not make eye contact I wanted them to hurry. It's just a darn soda. How long could that POSSIBLY take?!? He asked if I was there alone and I said no. Then he asked me if I was married and I said yes. He asked me the question I absolutely hate........Happily? he said.
Why in the world is that ok to ask? So what if a woman said she was not happy? What's going to happen? What does that imply?
I said yes I was very happily married but that didn't stop him from asking me if I wanted to hook up. HOOK UP???? What in the world????? I was beginning to feel gross. How many women had this guy asked to "hook up"? I may not be a spring chicken anymore but I do know what that implies. Feeling disgusted I told him to turn around and walk away. I watched as him and his buddies were acting like the guys from the movie A Night at the Roxbury. You? Me? Me? You?
And it wasn't long he was on to his next fling. It made me sick to think that these are the types of guys that are around. And as my girls get older will they be worse? It seems like men today want no commitment at all. It seems like they can hook up or father a child but whoa...Marriage?!? That's too much of a commitment baby!!! Truthfully I am scared for my girls. I want them to find a man who will cherish them. Not a man that comes up to them and asks them if they want to hook up! Unfortunately it is what it is and society thinks it's ok. I can't change that but I can instill values in my boys and girls.

I did, however, have a great time with this group of ladies. They were all a lot of fun and I am glad I was able to drive them around.

Here is my painting. I was pretty proud of it :D

This Messy Life

I got up this morning and took a look at the house. It looked like the house threw up! There in front of me sat a counter full of dishes from last night, the living room full of train tracks and Thomas the trains. legos and the bedrooms terrible. Speaking of bedrooms, I have 5 boys whose room smells like a barn. Why does a boys room smell like a barn you ask? Good question! I am still trying to figure that one out myself. And Febreeze is even scared to touch it! 

I sat there with my coffee and wondered how in the world does it get this messy. It's really hard for me because I am a neat freak. I like things properly in it's place and no one to touch it. Which is hard with several little ones plotting to move your things from it's tidy little spot. I know that it should be easy to "tidy up" but we seem to spend our lives "tidying up". Our family must be so inefficient to be so ineffective. It also seems to me that when we have super busy weekends the house is worse. Maybe because there are little monsters that come out of the dark and make the mess?

Anyway, I sat there today saying to myself. I can do this! I can do this! I am bigger than the mess! Maybe? I drank my coffee and got to it. I decided today would be a good day to pair down clothes and toys and I did just that. However, my son aka Cater Salad is still working on the dishes.

And just for cuteness heres Maddie Moo! Happy Wednesday!!